Dryer Tears

Yesterday, I was watching TV, and suddenly, there is was... a red, energy efficient Kenmore dryer. A perfect load of laundry was being dried and then steamed in minimal time. I watched the commercial, holding my breath, and felt wet tears rolling down my cheeks. I was crying over a dryer?!

A moment of self pity, I admit. I started thinking about how I can only wash 3-4 towels in our little mini-compact washer at one time, and fit even less in the dryer if I actually want it to dry in under an hour. Am I grateful that we actually have access to a washer and dryer? Absolutely. Am I frustrated that it takes me 4 loads to wash my clothes and running the dryer over 90 minutes to get each load dry. Uh, YEAH!
Living here has its challenges. Should we talk about the stink bugs that are popping up everywhere? In the baby's crib, on my jeans, on the window sill, flying past the couch, landing on the walls, invading my space...my limited space...or the baby skunk that was scurrying down the middle of the road on our way home from the store? Or, the fact that I wear mud boots to get out my front door so that I don't trudge through the thick muddles of mangled madness...
Ah yes, the joys of country living. I definitely admit that it's easy to feel sorry for yourself when you start looking around at what others have and what you have to go through, or are choosing to go through.
But, the truth is- living here is much easier when I only focus on myself and what I'm called to. The moment that I start comparing myself, I lose my focus. God help me to keep my eyes on You.

Running in the Wind

It's late. Almost 11:30pm, and Glenn's been sleeping for at least an hour. The baby is down, and I'm alone with my thoughts again...thinking about r-e-s-p-o-n-s-i-b-i-l-i-t-y. Somedays, I wish I could dig a hole and live in it for about a week until I felt settled on the inside.
Ever get that feeling like you just want to run and run and run for miles without getting winded? Or, like you want to pick up and move away from your present life and start again? I've been dreaming about running a lot lately. Mostly, I just need air. I crave fresh breath in my lungs. I feel my feet pounding against the pavement, and my legs carry me farther and farther away from the shack. Away from worry and anxiety. Away from the cold. Away from small, confining spaces.

I set my eyes on the prize, the goal for which I called. I keep pressing on, because that's what I was made to do. Press on toward the prize. The prize...what is the prize that I'm pressing towards?
This one will require more thought.

I am not Superwoman.

9 AM and I bundled up the baby in her pink Winnie the Pooh snow suit, put her into the back pack, and carried her outside so that I could shovel. Shovel the snow out of the never ending driveway. If I ever wanted to leave the shack again, I had to get to the end of the driveway. An impossible task. An overwhelming task. "Slow and steady wins the race," echoed in my head. I slammed the shovel in the bottom of the snow heap and felt the immense weight on the yellow shovel. Seriously?

Just then, Glenn called. "Another 20 inches of snow are coming Christine. Can you shovel a pathway from the back door out to the wood pile because you won't have enough wood for this storm that's coming. I'll bring the wood in for you when I come home tonight."
"I thought the company was putting you up in a hotel again tonight," I said, taking the cold air deep into my lungs.
"Oh yeah," he replied. "Well, I guess you'll have to bring in all the wood that you'll need for the next several days. You'll probably lose power with this storm that's coming..."

I stared into space. How could I possibly finish shoveling the driveway, shovel a path to the wood pile, haul in wood, and take care of the baby? As it was, she would be getting up from her nap in the next half hour. "Okay, Glenn. I can try."
If I were Superwoman, I would have said, "No problem. I can do all things."

But, the thing is, I'm not a superhero. I'm an almost 30 year old, trying to raise a 9 month old, maintain a loving relationship with my hubby, finish grad school, and survive living in a 490 square foot house. This place presents more challenges than I ever thought possible. This shack...it's stretching me, bruising me, making my muscles sore, and requiring more tenacity than I ever thought I had. And for what?
I have to keep our end goal in mind. By simplifying our lives, we are able to pay off our debt faster. Just last month, I was able to write a check for a few thousand dollars and put it toward my school loan. That felt great. You know what doesn't feel great? My back after shoveling for 6 hours...

Glenn came and rescued me this afternoon. He told me to leave and go south so that I didn't have to weather another storm without him. He said to pack everything for me, the baby and Mose and leave. He finished shoveling the last little section of the driveway (with his coworker), and helped me get the Honda out of the driveway. I threw everything that I could into a suitcase, loaded the car and headed south. I drove through snow, rain, ice, and heavy fog, but I made it. Six and a half hours later and I'm at my parents' house, listening to them play with the baby. I don't have to think about shoveling the driveway, or hauling wood. I don't have to worry about losing power or manning the fire. I can rest and know that for the next several days, the shack will stand alone, and I will be surrounded in love.

All Quiet on the Country Front

Day three of being snowed in by myself, and I feel a sense of renewed hope. Perhaps it's because the snow stopped falling and the sun is shining; or because the beautiful white snow amidst the brilliant blue sky is breathtaking. Perhaps it's the e-mail my hubby sent me letting me know that he needed me and would be home sometime tonight. Maybe it was hearing the knock on the front door and seeing two men in reflective safety vests standing on my front porch, only to realize that one was my husband...braving the slightly plowed country road to make sure I was okay.
Wearing my pjs and a bathrobe, my glasses, no make up, and carrying the baby in only her diaper, I gladly created him and his coworker at the door.

Yes, I've spent the last three days by myself in our shack with only the baby and the dog; occasionally talking with Glenn, or my parents, or in-laws, or a friend on the phone. Alone but not truly alone. In the midst of the storm, He speaks. He comforts. He gives grace to the weary, and He gives strength to make it through.

Snowpocolipse: Adventures of a Pioneer Woman!

Baby crying in the crib fighting her nap, small fire in the wood stove that just won't start, and knowing that my hubby won't be coming home for the next three days.....
Seriously? I will probably get snowed in right here in the shack. I'm praying that the power will stay on...but of course, I am Pioneer Woman so I have a huge bucket of water in the bathroom and three additional gallons to get me through a few days. Only having heat from the wood stove, without the blower, may be difficult. Not having power in general would be tough. Glenn is right down the road about 25 minutes being put up in a hotel by the company so that he can actually get to work tomorrow. Not a chance that he'll make it out on our dirt roads tomorrow morning. So, I get to be a single parent for the next few days. This should be interesting.

I've been alone with my thoughts almost all day today. Unfortunately, a 9 month old and a black lab just don't seem to be great conversationalists. Apart from the occasional phone call to see how the baby and I are doing, it's quiet. I open the door and can hear the snow falling. What's God saying in all of this?
The only thing that comes to mind are the lyrics to a song. "Through it all. Through it all. I've learned to trust in Jesus. I've learned to trust in God. Through it all. Through it all. I've learned to depend on His Word." Enough said.

Closing out the credit cards

I thought that I'd be freaking out when we canceled our credit cards, but it honestly wasn't that big of a deal. We had already taken them out of our wallets, and after not using your credit card for three months, you kinda get used to using cash or your debit card. The two major credit card companies tried to hook us back in, but we firmly declined.

Inside I think I'm freaking out a little. There are a million "what ifs" that run through my head. Even my parents suggested that we keep at least one card open "just in case," but we don't want to fall into that trap. When the lady on the phone asked why I was closing my account, I simply stated, "I don't want to purchase what I cannot afford." It does make sense, but I'm realizing that America runs on credit. We buy now and pay later. That's what Glenn and I did for the first 4 1/2 years of our marriage, and we've only been married a little more than 5! We've had to come into a new mentality. Save for what you want. Prioritize. Budget. We're still not that great at budgeting, but I know we'll get there. We are working on it one day at a time, and I think living here is getting just a little easier one day at a time.

January 24, 2010

Up until now, we haven't had any TV to watch. We moved into this place knowing that Dude didn't have a TV or satellite dish, and our lives were about to change all the more because of it. No more hunting or fishing shows, America's Next Top Model or So You Think You Can Dance. And, sadly, no more Sunday football. :( No more news, it all had to come from the Internet.
I don't think either of us realized what a huge part of our lives the TV consumed. We'd plan our nights around the shows that we wanted to watch, and no longer were we interacting with each other. We were engaged in the TV. Living here has changed all that. It's forced us to talk more, engage one another in conversation, and get outside.

After three months of no TV, we decided to go out and purchase an HD antennae to see if we could get any over the air channels. We weren't certain an antennae would do anything but take up space in our little place, but it was worth a shot. Low and behold, we get two channels! ABC and CBS! We feel like we are living large! At least I can watch The Bachelor on Monday nights. It's unbelievable to think that we were spending over $100 dollars for cable, and we didn't watch 75% of the channels that we were paying for. Now, we have two channels that we watch sometimes, and it's free. I like that deal, and so does our wallet.

January 23, 2010

What is the deal with the wildlife out here in the country? I was taking a nap with Aleena on my bed upstairs when suddenly I hear, flap, flap, flap, whack! And I see this thing go flying above my head and over to the baby's side of the room. I yelled down, GLENN!! Why is there a wild bird in the house?

All I hear is hysterical laughter and my husband running up the stairs saying, "It's a tufted-tit mouse bird. Can't you hear it saying booby, booby?"
"Very funny," I said. Well, it was funny, but not when a wild bird is flying over your head. Glenn tried to corner it to pick it up, but that did not work at all. He finally opened the window, and the bird eventually flew to the screen. Glenn carefully opened the screen and freed the bird.
I think I've had enough of Mother Nature for a while...

January 18, 2009

A MOUSE WAS STUCK IN the Honda's blower. Apparently, so was a french fry. That little sucker crept into the car blower and tried to get the french fry at the exact moment that I turned the key in the ignition. I really blew his mind! But seriously, gross. Once again, I hate bees, MICE, roaches, and the cold. Perhaps I'm supposed to be learning to not sweat the small stuff...but to me, that isn't a small thing. When it's in the 20s, and you have to drive to work in a car that has no heat for a week, that's called roughing it. Glenn says it will get better. I keep telling God that this has to get better. It just seems like when it rains, it pours.

January 11, 2010

Seriously? This is like some sick joke. I went out to start up the Honda this morning to go to work, and it sounded like a jet was going to take off. I turned the heat off, and it stopped. Glenn said to drive to work with the heat on low. It was probably the blower, but he would look at it when I got home. I strapped Aleena into the car and started down the road with the heat on low, until my pedals started vibrating. Obviously I couldn't use the heat. We finally get the heat taken care of in the house, and now the heat in the Honda isn't working. The Saturn's heat hasn't been working for months, and Glenn's been working on that for a while too. It's hard to not feel like we are getting dumped on.

January 8, 2010

Glenn is amazing. He crawled into the crawl spaces today, every single one of them, filled all the holes with Great Stuff, put down plastic, and put in insulation. Although everything is still wide open, there is no longer a draft, and the temperature has already gone up 10 degrees. Thank you God for my husband.

January 6, 2010

I kept my coat on for an hour today after I got home from work, and I kept the baby in her little polar bear sleeper. It's crazy to be inside the house and feel no relief from the cold. Glenn told me today that Dude cannot fix the insulation problem.
I couldn't hold it in any longer. Big crocodile tears that had been welling up for weeks finally snuck out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Hon. I'll fix this," Glenn reassured me.
I cried. I cried because it was cold in my shack, and I couldn't do anything to fix it.

January 4, 2010

A new year. A new opportunity. My goal this year is to completely pay off my private school loan. That's $25,000. A "reaching for the stars" kind of goal, but if I don't at least try, then what's the point of being where I am? It's a sacrifice to live here.
I wasn't offended when my mother in law asked, "So did this used to be a garage?" Well, yeah, it could have been. It was a carriage house.
If we don't keep our eyes on the prize, I start looking around at the waves of my circumstance, and it feels like I'm drowning.
It's still cold. The crawl space is really starting to make it impossible to heat this place up. Dude isn't committing one way or another to a quick fix, and Glenn is trying to come up with multiple solutions to keep us warm. What is up with all this freezing cold weather? A crazy wind whipping everything around outside almost steals the heat and when it's below 20 degrees outside, it's about 45 inside until the wood stove gets cranking. I hate being cold. I'm adding that to my list. Bees, mice, roaches, and being cold.

December 14, 2009

Today I've been thinking about how we constantly live in a state of total chaos. I'd have to say that I'm not the cleanest person out there...okay, I admit it. The word slob would probably fit me well, which is so ironic because I was raised by a woman who mandated chores, had two days a week where we cleaned the whole house, and was a literal iron sergeant. She'd stand next to me for hours until I ironed all of the clothes perfectly. Is it a shock that I literally iron nothing as an adult? I love my mom and how clean she kept everything. I don't know why that didn't transfer to me. I'm just saying, it doesn't take that long to clutter up 490 square feet.

My hubby has been a designing genius around this place. He built shelves, propped up my piano on PVC pipe (yeah, my piano has been pimped out), and created a coat shelf/closet for us. Still, I find myself cramming more and more unsorted boxes into our one and only clothing closet. I feel like God is cleaning us out...what I mean by that is, we are down to the bare bones. We have simplified our lives. We only have what we can live with and need at this point. Everything is out in the open, and if you want to get away from this place (or your spouse), you have to go outside into the open. Maybe that's the point. We are supposed to live our lives out in the open, hiding nothing. What you see is what you get. And that's how it's supposed to be with our finances. Out in the open, not afraid to say, we have no credit cards, we are working to pay off our debts, and someday in the next two years, we'll be debt free. We are in control of our money, it doesn't control us.
It took going through a short sale and moving into 490 square feet to bring Glenn and me into the same financial frame of mind. It adds a totally different perspective to "and the two shall become one flesh."

December 13, 2009

I got into a fight with our Christmas tree... and I finally won. I had to put on the red "wood stove" gloves to put lights on the tree and hang ornaments, but I finally won. That sucker gave me red pin dots and scratches all up and down my arms. I was not in a "holly jolly" mood when I was decorating the tree. In fact, I had to walk out of the house a couple of times so that I wouldn't start screaming at the tree. Glenn kept reminding me that it was free and a gift. I should be grateful.

Yes, I should be grateful, but I'm not. Living here is so hard. We still don't have heat. Thank God we have the wood stove and space heaters. Dude said his friend is coming to fix the furnace tomorrow. A month and a half later, and it's finally getting fixed. The crawl space makes it so cold in here. Yesterday I came downstairs and the space heater read 45 degrees. This is crazy. I tell Glenn it's not worth it. I want to move. And he says it's really rough right now, but it'll get better. Once the furnace gets fixed and he insulates the crawl space, it'll be better. We just have to "hang in there."
I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. God, don't you see me? Don't you see how cold I am? Do you care? I know you care. I just need grace. Lots of grace to get through this. And heat. I NEED heat.

December 12, 2009

Today I resented the fact that we didn't have a Christmas tree. On the outside, I said to Glenn, "Why bother? We have no room for one, and all of my Christmas decorations are at your friend's house. Not like I can just get everything out of the closet." But, on the inside, I was dying. I didn't feel the "Christmas spirit." I'd barely done any shopping, and I was feeling sorry for myself.

For as long as I can remember, we've always gone the weekend after Thanksgiving to cut down a fresh Christmas tree. And, each year I always pick out one that's about 7 feet tall and wider than Glenn thinks will fit into the house. This year, we didn't have any floor space to put a tree.

BUT, my hubby came to the rescue. One of his friend's was attending a Christmas tree party and offered to get us a tree as a Christmas present. I overheard Glenn saying, That would be so great, Kay! Just make sure it's not over 4 feet and that it's small. I'm thinking like a Charlie Brown tree."
Oh Lord, did he seriously just say Charlie Brown tree?
I want to find a hole and live in it until the holidays are over. So much for my perfect $70 tree this year.

November 29, 2009

Thanksgiving was not what I expected this year. Maybe I should rephrase that. The meal itself was what I expected. Glenn deep fried the turkey, because I'm not even sure the 17 pound bird would fit into the oven. We had the usual side dishes of squash, stuffing and cranberry sauce, and had one heck of a time, my mother and I, in the kitchen trying to prepare the sides while Glenn tried to cut the turkey. We were closer than sardines in a can, bumping butts to get by each other to grab dishes from the white cabinet.
I remember last year. We had Thanksgiving at our old home, and I used my China plates and silverware. We were celebrating the fact that my father was alive, strong, and feeling good despite the liver cancer that was trying to take him out.
This year, we celebrated again that Dad was with us, kicking cancer, and believing God for a total miracle. We are SO thankful to have him around the table again this year!
Compared to having my dad still alive, not being able to use my China plates sounds petty. But, I'll be honest. A part of me was embarrassed. All of my good "stuff" was 45 minutes away in a friend's shed. I was here, in this shack, with my husband, daughter, mom, dad and brother, Paul.

The small space took its toll, and my family ended up leaving a day early. It was hard to not feel hurt that they were leaving. But, I had to understand that small spaces are not good for men who have their own ways of thinking and doing things. I love my husband and my dad. I do NOT love the small space that we live in.

November 20, 2009

Thanksgiving. It doesn't normally fill me with dread, but this time around it does. What will my parents say when they see this place? The shack. We've been living here now for almost a month, and still there are boxes everywhere. We don't have any shelving on the walls, no closets...no doors, well besides the one on the bathroom. Still NO HEAT. It's been cold, especially since the crawl space is open and a cold draft comes right into the house.

Five. That's the number of mice that Glenn has caught this week, and he finally got Cleonitus the Mouse. That little sucker escaped four different traps and pooped in my silverware drawer every night for 4 straight nights! Finally, victory was ours just last night when he was enticed by the peanut butter.
I hate bees, and I hate mice too. Something else I hate, roaches. But let's not talk about them.

I think my mother may flip out when she sees just how small our place is. That, and its disorganization. She's a "woman on a mission." Give her a task, and the job WILL get done. She's one woman you want on your side. And, as much as I love her, she was the one who didn't think living here would be possible. I hope that she is supportive and realizes that we have a goal. Our goal is to become debt free. Living here will allow that to happen. Bees, mice, cold and all...we have a goal...I have to keep that at the front of my mind these days.

November 7, 2009

I'm alone with the baby in the shack. Well, Mosely's here too. But, Glenn left to go hunting for the next five days, and I'm here. I'm not afraid to stay here by myself. I know that there is a sheriff who lives right next store, and Dude is home too. I know I have help if I need it. I think I'm more nervous about taking care of the baby on my own, trying to do grad work, and manning the fire.

Glenn researched, found on Craig's list, and bought a Lopi wood stove. It's been a total life saver, considering the fact that our furnace has died. I told Dude about it, and he's going to come look at it tomorrow. It's cold, and I'm just grateful I can snuggle under a heavy comforter tonight. At least Carol will arrive tomorrow.

October 29, 2009

We paid off all of our credit card bills today! YIPPEE! It feels so good to no longer have any more credit card debt. It is a monumental action like this that makes living in the shack, all 490 square feet, easier to bear...though not much.
As Dave Ramsey says, "Live like no one else...."
At this point, I'm feeling like we are the exact people he is talking about.

October 27, 2009

Okay, so actually living here is soooo much different from just looking at is as a potential place to live. There are bees EVERYWHERE! I HATE BEES! Bees...sixteen of them, I just counted. I made the mistake of standing up on my bed to look on top of the window sill, and there they were. Sixteen freaking bees! Where the heck are they coming from? I keep telling Glenn about the bees. I keep telling him I don't want to get stung. More importantly, I don't want the baby to get stung...he keeps saying that he's working on it.

AND, today I was cleaning the wooden floor upstairs and found a little tiny mouse carcass. :( I picked it up with a fly swatter and marched it downstairs to wave it in the face of my husband. "We have a mouse problem, too, " I sneered.
"I'm working on it, " he said.

Somehow I can just picture God up in heaven smiling and saying, "Yup, I'm working on you too!"
I don't think this is funny at all.

October 26, 2009

We went to closing today. We signed away our house. My house. My first house. It's gone. And Glenn is ecstatic. He sees the joy in becoming financially free. All I see is a picture in my head of a shack...a blue shack that I now call my home.

October 24, 2009

Today was moving day. And, of course, it rained down buckets. "God, couldn't you hold the rain off until we moved our furniture? My bed? Guess not." The rain outside reminded me of the silent tears I was crying inside. A total upheaval. A move that I didn't want to make. So we shouldn't have bought the house in the first place...If only I could go back to that day and count the cost, not get suckered into the interest only loan, and oh the possibilities of making $100,000 in just a short 3 years. Who knew that the housing market was going to crash? Who knew that you shouldn't trust the banks when they let you borrow more than you can afford? Well, a lot of people knew that and were smart. We weren't among those.
To get some financial advice, we started watching Dave Ramsey's show and hearing about all those people who were able to be debt free...an impossible task for us for sure with our outrageous mortgage and my school loans. But the more we listened, the more we desired to be financially free. To be debt free. To pay off all our credit cards. To get rid of them even. To pay off my school loans....and to pay off the debt that we were accruing from the short sale of our home...just a dream?

I stopped daydreaming and started scrubbing the empty kitchen floor again. God, seriously, are you in this? We've sold our home, so much of our furniture. We've put the remaining "stuff" into storage, and now I'm going to live out in the country, where Glenn can shoot a deer off of our front porch. I just don't think I can do this. How will I survive?

I heard Him speak to me so clearly in the silence of the empty townhouse I used to own, "Don't despise small beginnings, My Daughter. Don't despise them."

October 12, 2009

I knew our lives were about to radically change. Glenn had been talking about this moment for months. And despite his excitement, I felt the full weight of our decision deep in the pit of my stomach.
"Well, Christine. Are you ready for this?"
"Not really," I replied. I hadn't been ready for this moment, even though I knew it had been coming for months. We loaded the baby into the car, and I checked the directions one more time. Dude had sounded nice enough on the phone, but the thought of living out in the country left me wondering.

We drove out past the cow fields, past the million dollar homes, and turned left onto a dirt road. Every jostle of the tires reminded me of losing our home, moving into a smaller place. Would this be it? A place where we could pinch pennies to pay off our debt? We turned right onto another dirt road, careful to avoid the tire hungry potholes.
"Where is this place?" I asked. After another few minutes, we came around a sharp curve, and there it was. I felt a smile stretch on my face for the first time all day. The home reminded me of a log cabin, rustic and quaint all at the same time. We pulled into the driveway, and climbed out, admiring the scenery. The horse farm next door, the trees, acres for Mose to run on...
"You must be Christine," I heard someone interrupt my thoughts. I could only guess it was Dude. I turned to see a middle aged, somewhat balding man, with a friendly smile.
He stuck out his hand, "I'm Dude. Let me show you the carriage house."
I expected to head toward the beautiful home on my right, but instead he pointed toward a large blue shed about 25 feet from the house. I looked at Glenn....THIS? You've got to be kidding me...this shed? This shack?

My husband's eyes lit up as we walked in. Despite the pile of skis, lamps, books upon, books, upon books, deer skins, dishes, and tarps, Glenn said it "had character." I on the other hand decided from the moment that we walked in that God would never want me to live in a place like this. The kitchen was the size of what you might find in an RV trailer, the washer and dryer were mini-compact and could only hold maybe a towel or two at a time, and the A frame ceiling upstairs forced us to walk with our heads to the side every time we wanted to get from one side of the room to the other.

"One. I counted one stinkin' drawer in that kitchen, Glenn. And three cabinets. There is NO WAY I'm living there. I can't possibly cook in that kitchen..." I ranted and raved until we got to the next rental that we were looking into. It was a beautiful 3 bedroom colonial, and it was also $400 above our budget for rent.
"Well, God. This is it. I have to live in this 3 bedroom home. I cannot live in that shack. I've made up my mind."

On our way to the restaurant for dinner, I heard the Lord speak to me. "Why are you attached to your stuff? Are you willing to pass up an opportunity to become debt free because you have to have your stuff? Isn't that what got you into this position in the first place? The need to have a place big enough for your stuff?"

We made a phone call that night to Dude...well, when I say we, I mean I made the call. "Dude, we want to rent your carriage house," the shack, I thought to myself. Let the journey begin.